Learning To Live Again!

Holidays are difficult when going through grief, and we just came through the most significant—Christmas. Supposedly, the New Year promises new beginnings, but in truth, I just want my “old life” back.

I want my heart to be happy again and my mind to stop the constant “if only” and “what ifs.” I continually remind my spirit that God is good and God is love even though He didn’t answer my prayer. But I still feel an eternal loss.

And though our loved ones aren’t really “lost” when in heaven, we lose their presence in our lives. We lose their touch, their words, their hugs and a future with them. We lose the routine we built with those who lived and loved us daily.

After my husband died, I would get an expectant feeling around 5:00 p.m. daily. Carl always called when he got off work and suddenly there were no calls. Even today, after eleven years, I still catch my breath if a red pickup pulls into my driveway. I know it isn’t Carl’s, but my heart still remembers.

It has been three hard months since my sweet son, Jay left for heaven, but I still wake, thinking he should be asleep in his bedroom. Every day, I walk into his room and halfway expect to see him rearranging his WWE paraphernalia or choosing a necktie from his vast collection. If I hear a noise during the night I startle awake, feeling the need to check on Jay.

And though I have a lifetime of beautiful memories with my son, the sad, lonely last moments haunt my dreams. Grieving is hard. It’s private. Intense. A pain no one can truly share.

I know that one day I will laugh again, even though there is little joy in the present. One day I will awake with expectation instead of dread for the loneliness of the day. But it takes time.

Mourning is neither short nor simple. It’s a process and everyone does it differently. The Bible tells us that those who mourn will be comforted. I believe that, and pray that one day soon my soul will learn to sing again.